How Beautiful

This morning I stood weeping unashamedly in the worship service at my church.  

There are just some days that my heavenly Father knows when I need a word from Him.  We were singing a song written by one of the worship leaders. At one part the words go something like, "How beautiful the feet of Jesus, that were nailed for me." At another part (when in the song is blurry in my memory) it says, "I will never forget the day that He washed my sins away."

It is a beautiful song.  

Through the last 7 months or so, remembering that I am cleansed by Jesus' blood had been a struggle for me.  I would find myself so often begging for the forgiveness that I could never quite realize had already been given to me.  I was reminding myself of all the mistakes I had made and it would often put me into a mentality of constantly condemning myself. 

I struggled with learning that I was the one holding myself back from a free and full life.  

Forgiving myself was one of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn, and one of the most painful.  I'm such a prideful person that I felt I could never let others see what I was really struggling with. I had gotten myself so stuck in a pattern of negative thinking towards myself that I didn't realize it.  Drowning in a sea of my own criticisms.
Today at church as I stood silently crying, hands clasped against my chest. I began to reflect on how far I have come over the last several months.
I realized a long time ago that I will never be a perfect person.
I will probably always be my own worst enemy.
I will always need to work on some aspect of my life.
To others around me I probably looked like a wet, teary mess.  But it was the most joyful moment in my heart.  They were tears of just pure joy and thankfulness.
I truly am thankful for the truths God has made evident in my life.
Thankful for His sacrifice for my life.
Thankful for freedom from slavery to sin.
Because no matter how insignificant the devil might make me think I am from time to time, I am splendid to the King of Kings.

Acts 11:9b, "'Do not call something unclean if God has made it clean."

How Beautiful

This morning I stood weeping unashamedly in the worship service at my church.  

There are just some days that my heavenly Father knows when I need a word from Him.  We were singing a song written by one of the worship leaders. At one part the words go something like, "How beautiful the feet of Jesus, that were nailed for me." At another part (when in the song is blurry in my memory) it says, "I will never forget the day that He washed my sins away."

It is a beautiful song.  

Through the last 7 months or so, remembering that I am cleansed by Jesus' blood had been a struggle for me.  I would find myself so often begging for the forgiveness that I could never quite realize had already been given to me.  I was reminding myself of all the mistakes I had made and it would often put me into a mentality of constantly condemning myself. 

I struggled with learning that I was the one holding myself back from a free and full life.  

Forgiving myself was one of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn, and one of the most painful.  I'm such a prideful person that I felt I could never let others see what I was really struggling with. I had gotten myself so stuck in a pattern of negative thinking towards myself that I didn't realize it.  Drowning in a sea of my own criticisms.
Today at church as I stood silently crying, hands clasped against my chest. I began to reflect on how far I have come over the last several months.
I realized a long time ago that I will never be a perfect person.
I will probably always be my own worst enemy.
I will always need to work on some aspect of my life.
To others around me I probably looked like a wet, teary mess.  But it was the most joyful moment in my heart.  They were tears of just pure joy and thankfulness.
I truly am thankful for the truths God has made evident in my life.
Thankful for His sacrifice for my life.
Thankful for freedom from slavery to sin.
Because no matter how insignificant the devil might make me think I am from time to time, I am splendid to the King of Kings.

Acts 11:9b, "'Do not call something unclean if God has made it clean."

Love is...

Over the last 2 years love had become a foreign word to me.  

It had been taken and twisted up so badly that when I saw it, I didn't recognize it.  

I had gone searching for it and found it in many wrong places. 

Because I got so carried away looking for human love I became a horrible friend, not just in friendships but in the relationship that matters most.  I had abandoned God.  Not completely, I still liked to put on a show for people and be the perfect christian girl.  

I think it was when several earthquakes had awoken me from my sleep.  Each time I thought that the Lord had come back and I had missed it.  Each time I went around the house trying to see if my family was still here, just to know that I wasn't alone.  Once I had crawled back into my bed I would turn on worship music and pray and ask God to forgive me.  To make sure He didn't leave me behind.  

That was literally my wake up call. 

I began to realize just how far I had slipped.  How easily my heart was swayed by the things of the world. In today's society love means many different things, often times its quite ugly once you uncover the prettiness of it all.  

In the movies it might mean a rebellious teenage love story.  

In books its the hero sweeping the beautiful girl off of her feet.  

In music its the guy or girl pining away for the one they love with the other never realizing it.  

In our world its whatever makes us feel good.  

Love today isn't how God describes it, and so many are blind to it like I was.  It's all about how will I  feel about this.  What makes me happy.  

  "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails."

-1 Corinthians 13:4-8

This is the exact opposite of what I was looking for in other people.  I was stuck in a daily, what can I do for me mindset.  

 When my worldly love failed me, like its bound to do, I couldn't even recognize the love in my family surrounding me.  In the comforting pages of my old, worn out Bible.  But mostly that God was still there reaching out for me.  

 This is me confessing my flaws and hoping that others read this and are able to avoid the same mistakes.  The world loves in a way that is greasy and grimy, like a pair of old gym socks.  Gods love is refreshing and pure, like morning dew on the flowers.  Love is a beautiful thing, when its the right and real kind.

Seeking.

This past week I got the opportunity to go and enjoy worship and fellowship with a group of some very cool people.  I can't remember what song we were singing at the time, but the Lord just kept putting the word, Seek, on my heart.  

Isaiah 55:6-8 came to mind. 

6 Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near.

7 Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. 

 

As I was sitting there and just praying over this verse and trying to understand what I was supposed to learn from this, these were the key thoughts I had;

We are pardoned.  

Seek the Lord.  

God is always near.  

He won't abandon us.  

He is merciful.  

His thoughts and ways are higher and wiser than ours.  

He has a will for my life, specifically for mine.  

He has never changed.  

He never will.  

 

Seek:  to go in search of :  look for, to ask for 

I've been struggling lately, if I was a cool kid I might even put a #thestruggleisreal in there somewhere.  But seriously, life is hard.  Pasts are hard.  Jesus is better than all that though.  

For we are pardoned. 

Clean.  

Sought after.  

We all have such potential, if we don't let ourselves get in the way.  

 We are supposed to seek God and lately I find myself seeking so many things besides Him.

I use my past mistakes as an excuse for my present ones.

 I think we need to all realize that all we have from our past is a great testimony. 

For God doesn't call us to walk in our past, our shame or regrets! 

I am extremely thankful for His love and mercy.

Let's stop seeking excuses and start seeking Jesus. 

Control.

Control. 

It's a very funny thing.

We all desire it. Whether its over a thing, a situation, a person, or our own life.

Sometimes control is what we need the least.  It can harm us, or the people around us.  Yet we will all still chase it.  It can make us crazy, even paranoid. It can make us say words we don't mean.  Do things we don't realize.  

Sometimes when we try to hold that control so tightly it just makes it slip all that much faster.  

Then we panic. 

We're losing everything and yet there's nothing we can do.  We grab at random, whatever is closest. No matter who or what it may be. When in reality, the only thing we should be reaching out to should be Jesus. But we are flawed and human. And that's okay.  

Lately I've been struggling with control.  Control and trust go hand in hand.  Trusting in God is honestly like a free fall. Sometimes its uncomfortable. Sometimes its terrifying. Most of the time its pretty amazing. Its like you jump off of a cliff and you don't know if the water at the bottom has rocks or not, but you know that whatever happens it'll be okay. 

So why do we have so much problem giving that control away? 

Its because we're all just really near sighted. We sadly can't see what God has in store.  

And so we try to take our own futures into our own control. Which in the long run makes it about a billion times harder.  This week I'm working on being less controlling, because it doesn't help anyone. 

Matthew 10:29-31

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.  And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.